Yes, that was a blatant Douglas Adams reference and an Amazon Affiliate link to the no longer quite so new Neil Gaiman book. We’re also going to work in an Amanda Palmer video or song here because we love her so much that we will do it for free. That’s just how we roll here at Backyard Ecosystem.
These are the B.E. submission guidelines. Please review before submitting for publication.
1a) Turn in articles that are completely ready for publication in a google doc.
1b) Other formats will be rejected automatically by the review board.
1c) Use: Black Hole @ Backyard Ecosystem . com
1d) Clearly, we only want to receive email from thinking humans and A.I. so clever they can out think humans. Spammers can go fuck themselves.
1e) Spelling errors, poor punctuation, and random changes of verb tense will also cause the post to be rejected automatically by the review board.
2a) Send sample photos that are your own original work (not stock photographs) that might be used to accompany the post. Photos that have been filtered or photoshopped in any way will be rejected automatically by the editorial team at B.E. as unsuitable for viewing by anyone, anywhere, anytime, ever. #nofuckingfilter #IfYouNeedPhotoshopYouAreNotAFuckingPhotographer
2c) The only allowable modification to photos is cropping.
2d) #nofuckingfilter #cropandbedone and #fuckthephotoshoppers are commonly inserted by the editorial team.
2e) If you feel you need to make modifications, the real answer is you need to become a better photographer before submitting to B.E. #NoFuckingAmateurs
2f) Our amazing and multitalented Webmistress and her Minions and Lackeys can handle the cropping as they format the article into the website.
2g) In a completely unrelated note there are several openings for Minions and Lackeys for those with the appropriate skill set: Mixologists, Baristas, Good* Salespersons, Convicts, Hackers**, and Former Porn Stars*** have the needed skill sets.****
2h) *Good does not equal sleazy you fucking morons. **We employ the best to counter the worse. ***Nudity is not a requirement for any available position, but a comfort with it is a big plus. ****We are a body-positive, sex-positive, feminist, and mad as fuck at The Man (or The Woman) workplace.
2i) It may be apparent that we are really good at troll extermination. With much practice comes great skill, and with great skill comes great powers to do good or evil, we use our powers responsibly and for evil simultaneously; just sign here on the dotted line in blood. You don’t really use that soul anyway.
2j) Someday you will be able to snatch the mouse from our hand and then you will be ready to leave the temple grasshopper.
2k) Include the full original file for any photographs in the google doc with the post.
2l) Label the photos carefully so that we know what we are looking at in the google doc.
2m) If you aren’t sure what the photo is, perhaps you need to become a better photographer before submitting anything to B.E.
3a) The Contributing Editor and Founder at BE is very direct and to the point. If you are easily offended or fail to provide information that he requests we will send Minions and Lackeys with the appropriate skill sets to break your kneecaps and flash their tits.
3b) He was raised by his mother to be unfailingly polite, especially to women. His education was continued by the theatre, English, kinesiology, mathematics, and architectural programs in High School(s) and at University(s).
3c) In spite of this he eventually graduated with appropriate pieces of paper from many of those institutions. Demanding to see them will result in you being visited by lackeys and minions with the appropriate skill sets who will flash their kneecaps and break your tits.
3d) Speaking of tits, those education programs raised him to have a completely foul mouth, and this was exacerbated by his being a sailor. Yes the rumours are true, he is a pirate captain sailing the high seas. You should see the red sash, just that one detail makes Jack Sparrow look like a piker.
3dd) He swears in his posts, makes fun of stupid people, and makes wry and dry and sometimes super subtle dirty little jokes that slide right by those who fail to pay attention, behave like trolls, and/or who are wilfully ignorant. #donkeyhole
3ddd) So should you. Having a nice set of tits, a well-shaped ass, or being well hung won’t hurt your chances either. #unfairadvantage
3g) He tends to refer to those who don’t pay attention, behave like trolls, and/or are willfully/willing ignorant as oxygen thieves. Please do not behave like one on our website. Don’t behave like a donkeyhole either. #donkeyholes #ThinkBottomInMidsummerNightsDream who literally has the head of an ass, and the queen of the fairies falls in love with him. He (BE’s Founder) may or may not be Puck or some other mischievous and handsome trickster god (small g). Watching Moana the Disney/Pixar Anti-Princess film will tell you all you need to know about him once you realise that He is both the principal characters at the same time. (some would say Hai-Hai instead, perhaps with some justification).
4g) We have really fast WiFi for our employees. Because it shows we care about their sex life. #blazingdownloadspeeds
5g) We got so excited by that last one we had to upgrade again. #ithinkwearealonenow #IsTiffanyLikeOverFortyNowForSure (or close enough)? We are very age positive workplace. Please don’t say something stupid in the comments. We will Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate! (Doctor Who reference)
6g) This is a placeholder for next week when the new iPad Pro comes out. A wide screen and it supports multiple applications running simultaneously. #catphotosandpornandstreamingmoviesandvidieogamesatthesametime
6h) Not much work can be expected from us for a while after that. #hungoverandsoreinunmentionableplaces
7a) We burned up our working capital stocking the bar for the mixologist duel. Shit, we are still hungover from that! It would be nice if you bought the iPad Pro for us so we can use it and write a lovely article about it.
7b) We like making rules for others to follow, which we are guessing you picked up on if you read this far.
7c) Take them (the rules) seriously. #YouConformistdonkeyhole #dokeyhole is used fenon-gender specific on this website as it should be on all websites.
7d) We do (Take the rules seriously). #sarcasm
7dd) Especially when printed on a tight t-shirt (The Rules).
7ddd) Worn over a nice chest (The tight t-shirt, male or female, trust me, someone here will like it, some will like them both, some will like them both a lot at the same time.
7g) “If you had a million dollars what would you do?” “Besides two chicks at the same time?” “Well yeah” “I would do nothing” #officespace #twochicksatthesametime #oroneofeach #orwhateverworksforyou
7h) Welcome to the new B.E. We are glad to have you here.
7i) Play nice or we will burn you to the ground. Then our rabid attack dog legal team will send you the bill for it. #assholetax #donkeyhole #WeArePrettySureLegalIsNotActuallyRabid #ButWeHaveOurShotsJustInCase
#kneecapsandtitsnotnecessarilyinthatorder #WeAreBroken #IAmBroken #FuckingPoets they never can just say anything straight out, they make you use your fucking brain. #CoughCough #nofuckingfilter #fucktheman #orthewoman #enviromentisdestiny #takecareofityoufuckingmorons #theonlyissuethatreallymattersistheplanet #everythingelseisadistraction #enviromental #exxonvaldez #bpmacando #itislikethiscountryiscursed #likemabeitwasbuiltonasacredindianburialgroundorsomething #bodypositive #feminist #sexpositive #lgbtqfriendly #safespace #nonstandardrelationshipfriendly #judgementfree #MentalAboutTheEnviroment #HelpingPutTheMentalInEnvironmental (blatantly stole that one from CrunchyChicken. Good blog, check it out). #peoplecareaboutwhattheylove #thereisenough #notazerosumgame #ThePollutionIndustrialComplex is already history we are just #WitnessingTheDeathThroes.
You miss over half the funny beats in the article if you don’t read the hashtags. #youlazyfucker
-Master and Commander